Success!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of your help, advice, and support for my last post. MC did successfully take a bottle today, with a few techniques:

• I got out of the house (I had a job interview to convert my position to a permanent one, so what else could I do?)
• D fed him with the MAM bottle
• D fed him in his bouncy seat in the kitchen, totally different from anything I do with nursing.

I won't say that MC was too thrilled with his eating option or with having me unavailable, but he accepted the situation better than last week, and now at least I know he probably won't starve while I'm away (we'll see how the next feeding goes!) While I'm sure that my going to work will be a big adjustment for MC, I would like it to be a time for Daddy bonding, not just a scream-fest, and being able to eat is a step in the right direction.

I have always known that I would like to continuing working outside the home, and I get a lot of intellectual stimulation from my job and profession. Plus the income is pretty important, especially after our move to Chicago. But after having had a child, I now completely understand why some mothers choose to stay home, and the idea seems much more appealing to me, at least for the first year, when he's still so little and needs me and my milk. I can tell it's going to be wrenching to return to work even while I am looking forward to seeing my coworkers and returning to many of the projects I left midstream to give birth. I suppose it's too late for this one to move to Canada and get job where I get a year of maternity leave.

Sometimes I get so caught up in these daily challenges and just the newness of having a child, that I forgot how hard and how long I worked to get here. Babies create a monumental life change, as they are so small and helpless that they have to rely on others to take care of them, and life as you know it is just wiped out and rewritten. Yet there he is, my son, imbued with his own little personality, likes and dislikes, wants and needs. He is his own person and I love him. It's simply amazing.

The Best Laid Plans

Caring for any baby comes with unexpected challenges. I can safely say that I'm thrilled with MC's sleeping at night. He regularly sleeps for about 6 hours or so, and then for another 2-3 hours after that (although he does have a bad habit of waking up early on Saturday morning). Getting him to sleep can be difficult, but it is getting a little easier. So far, with the exception of when I was in the hospital, I've been the only one to put him to bed. I think it's safe to say that he likes a lot or at least is used to me doing things for him and wants me to be there. This is both gratifying and terrifying.

Before leaving work, I got a maternity leave plan approved with my boss. While I'm not eligible for FMLA, I was able to combine a short parental leave, generous sick leave, and my vacation leave to make for a decent leave time without having to request unpaid time (which, since I'm not eligible for FMLA, they don't have to grant). My plan involves starting work from home for about 12 hours a week, which I have for the past few weeks, then going back to work half-time for two weeks, before returning full-time mid-May, when MC is 14 weeks old. I'll save a few days for doctor's appointments/sickness to get me through to August, when my sick time and vacation time resets. D, who is caring for MC during my work-from-home time, will care for MC full-time until mid-July, at which point he starts daycare.

In the beginning things seemed to go well. I got through pregnancy working up until the day I gave birth, taking only one full day off the whole pregnancy. I've been pumping every morning since he was 3 weeks old, so I've got a good stash of milk in the freezer. We started giving MC a bottle when he was about a month old, just occasionally, to get him used to it, and then D would give him a bottle when I worked, as I was planning on working in four-hour chunks. But in the last two weeks, MC has decided that he no longer will drink bottles, he just wants the boob. He has also decided that he really, really would rather be held by me. He loves to breastfeed, and will happily nurse for forty-minutes or longer. So my work sessions have meant me holed up in the study attempting to think while I'm hearing MC screaming and D at his wit's end. This, of course, is not conducive to working.

This week, when MC was screaming in hunger but refusing to eat, I came down and breastfeed him for a little while, and then slipped the bottle in. It worked on Monday, but not so well on Wednesday, where he continued to reject the bottle. He chewed the nipple, gagged on it, and screamed through the feeding. We tried to feed him with a medicine spoon, but that basically made a mess, as a lot that went in got shoved back out by his tongue. Additionally he refused to let D comfort him to take a nap later in the day, so I came to down to soothe. By the end of the day, it took me about 7 hours to do 4 hours of work, and I wasn't really all that effective for the hours I was working, and D was scarcely able to work at all. So much for slipping the day. In the evening, MC seemed content enough, but it was me who was crying. I would like to return to work, but I feel horrible about putting him through that, and D feels rejected.

I'm not sure what to do. We have tried with Dr. Brown's and Avent bottles, and have some MAM bottles on the way to see if he will accept those nipples better. He doesn't like the pacifier either. They always warn you in breastfeeding class about nipple confusion and babies rejecting the breast in favor of the easier bottle, but they don't tell you that your baby may just like the breast to the exclusion of everything else! I'm thinking about whether I should ask for an unpaid leave for a month, but I don't know whether it would be approved, or whether an extra month would help the problem. Plus I'm supposed to go in for an interview next week to make my one-year visiting contract into a regular position! This is seriously stressing me out. Any suggestions would be welcome.

You Know You're Tired When...

MC is a great sleeper at night. Once he manages to fall asleep (which can be a problem, admittedly), he generally has a six hour stretch of sleep at night, followed by a night feeding, where he'll be up for about an hour, then he'll sleep for another 3 hours or so before waking up. In an attempt to keep myself well-groomed and have an opportunity to do a few small things around the house. MC is not so good at naps, although this seems to be improving slowly. He also likes to eat about every 2 hours during the day and is a dawdly nurser, taking 45 minutes or so to be satisfied, so all I can do frequently is park myself on the futon with him. I've been going to bed about 1/2 later than him, but getting up about 2 hours before him. I'm trying to build up some milk supply for when I go back to work, and also have a chance to shower, etc. If I pump in the morning, I get much better output than later in the day, and if I get up early enough, I don't think I interfere with his getting enough to eat. Unfortunately this means MC gets enough sleep, but I don't quite. I have learned it's catching up with me.

(As an aside, I may be the most neurotic nursing mother on the planet. I live in fear that he is not getting enough to eat. Not that there's any evidence of this. He seems satisfied after eating, and has so far been growing appropriately, but the mysteries of how much he's eating continue to scare me for no good reason. I would probably only feel reassured if I knew I was making enough milk to feed three babies. While I'm not too fond of pumping, it does make me feel better to see that I do seem to be producing milk.)

We are using a diaper service with cloth prefold diapers. I decided to go the cloth diaper route because I didn't particularly want to be throwing away all of the diapers, plus if MC inherited my sensitive skin, I suspected that disposables would be problem. But I also didn't see D or even myself keeping up with the laundry, hence the service. The diaper service has worked out well, and the diapers themselves have been easy to use and so far have only leaked a little wetness on his clothes a few times, and never anything more messy. To fasten them on, we're using a contraption called a Snap.pi, which takes the place of the diaper pins, and then covering with a waterproof polyester cover. Perhaps a bit more complex than disposables, but not rocket science. Anyway, this morning I got up at six after not really falling asleep from his 3:30 feeding and he got up at eight. I changed his diaper, gave him something to eat, and was playing with him on the floor. This basically consists of me singing, showing him toys, and him staring, but he's generally in a good mood in the morning and seems to like it. After a little while, there were a series of explosions from the rear area, so I went to change him again. I noticed that the front of his sleeper was a little wet, and thought I must not have secured the diaper cover sufficiently. I unsnapped the sleeper to discover I completely failed to put on a diaper cover! Let's just say that the diaper cover should be used for a reason and there was poop everywhere. Oops. At least the mobile kept him distracted while I cleaned him up.

This weekend I'm going to try to sleep a little more.

One Month Old

Dear MC,

Happy One Month Day!

You have become an integral part of my life, in fact your tiny self basically rules me right now! You might not realize this, because I know life has been difficult for you. It's been a big adjustment going from the cozy confines of my uterus to the bright cold world. But I know you're doing a good job with the adjustment. Already you've got a nighttime routine going: generally going to bed around 9-10, waking up between 1-2 AM, and then waking up at 5-6 AM (I'm always hoping for the 6 side). You've grown a lot:

Weight: 9 pounds, 8 ounces
Length: 22 1/2 inches
Head: 36 1/2 cm

I guess that makes you a bit of a pinhead for your size, but everything is growing quickly from you birth stats. I can tell those late-night feedings are doing you good.

Here are the things you like:

• Snuggling, cuddling, being held in any way: At first you hated to be held in a carrier, but now you like both the Ba.by B.jorn and the Er.go Baby carriers--at least most of the time. Your favorite is still to be held in someone's arms directly. In fact, as I type, you are snuggled up against my body.
• Taking walks: this is a great naptime activity for you. In the stroller, in the carrier, whatever, you quickly settle down and fall asleep, unless we are walking back from the pediatrician and you are cranky and hungry.
• Staring: you will look at my face, at your dad's face, at the light, and more recently, at your mobile. It's all quite fascinating to you. A few times I think I've seen a smile play across your lips, but I'm not sure.
  
• Eating: this is probably on every baby's favorite list, but you really savor your meals and can carry on for more than hour sometimes. Which is great for you, but kind of ties me to the futon as you tend to want to eat every two-three hours during the day.

Here are things you don't like:

• Getting your diaper changed: For the first few weeks, you screamed bloody murder each time, but now things are getting better. The music box, toys, and other distractions have been helpful.
• Sleeping on your back: You really don't sleep well flat on your back, so you've been spending your nights in the carseat, where you can curl up a little better. If it weren't for SIDS, I'd be happy to put you to sleep on your tummy.
• Napping alone: you've pretty much refused to nap except if someone is holding you. I've tried various things, but most of the time, within minutes of being put down, you wake up unhappy to be left alone. Strangely, you'll happily sleep in the car seat at night, but you always know when it's daytime and then you refuse.
• Evenings: I think it's safe to officially call this Melt-Down Time. I'm not sure what to do to help, but I still try to comfort you as best I can. I know it can be hard to make that transition to sleep after a long day (even with naps).
  

It will be interesting to see how this next month will develop and what new things you'll learn. Sorry there is no picture available, but I'm afraid my hormones have given you one terrific case of baby acne. It's a good thing you're not vain!

Slings are Wonderful Things

I got back from the hospital Saturday morning. It was a tough 18 hours to be separated from my little guy, I have a lot more appreciation for those of you who have had to leave your babies in the hospital for some reason. I knew it must be hard, but having been hit with the maternal instinct, I'm getting a better sense for just how hard it would be. It was so hard to leave him at home so I could go to the hospital, I can only imagine how much worse it must be to have to leave your baby in the hospital. My mom had a fun time that night trying to calm MC and introduce to both bottles and formula, neither of which he was too sure of. He stayed up a lot of night and spit up all over her, which he really hadn't done until trying the formula. I managed to have the D&C without general anesthesia, but I came out of it in a lot of pain. Apparently I was a tough case to get all of the "retained product" out, and I woke up curled in a fetal position, shaking, nauseous, and with cramps from hell. After some morphine and about 5 hours later of drug-induced sleep, I felt like a new person and was so relieved to go back home a little later in the morning.

My dad joined my mother for the weekend, and then this morning they left. If I didn't know what I would do without my mother before Friday night, after that I really don't know what I would have done without her! It feels kind of scary, just me and the baby, so I made D work from home today, just in case, but tomorrow I'm going to be really on my own. My MIL is planning to come out for a bit over a week soon, so I won't have to be alone too long. There's a part of me that is relieved not to have guests anymore, but it does seem weird to think, "how am I going to go to the bathroom?" MC is a baby who loves to be held--all the time. He fortunately also likes to sleep for a good stretch during the night, so if I can manage a nap, I can get about 6 hours of sleep a day. His sleep stretch doesn't always come until 1, 2, or 3 in the morning, but he's only two weeks old, so I don't expect him to know night and day just yet.

A colleague of D's is loaning me a sling to see what I think, and it's giving me a little bit of time to type with my hands and pick up a few things around the house. He just curls up in it like a little frog. I have some other baby carriers, but he still seems so small for them, since he does like the frog position. I hadn't really thought about a sling before, because it looked like it would be uncomfortable with the weight all on one shoulder, but at least while he's small it's not too bad, and it's wonderful to have my hands again. He won't sleep in the bassinet, but instead will sleep in his car seat, I suppose because he can also curl up. He also loves to scrunch down and try to cover up his face in whatever he's sleeping in, which gives my SIDS alert a scare, but what can I do? At least when he's sleeping on me, I know he's breathing!

Post-Birth Update

The Beautiful:
Here are the all-important birth pictures:





It's amazing how in only two weeks, he already looks bigger and older!

The Random Thoughts:

• Breastfeeding is really, really time-consuming. MC is not a fast eater, so take 8-12 nursing sessions each day that each last about 45 minutes, and you can see where my time is going. Breastfeeding and using the computer don't mix very well, but I have been able to read some novels. Despite the soreness and time, I wouldn't want to do it any other way.
  
• Having your mother out after giving birth is a great thing to do, but having a guest for two weeks also has downsides, such as when your mother gets mad at your husband after everyone has been feeling a little tired and off from trying to deal with a newborn.
• Having new windows installed the second week after giving birth can heighten such tensions, but if you're going to have new windows installed and you weren't able to get to it before giving birth, it's good to have someone else there to help you out. I'm sure the workers also have appreciated my display of boobs.
• I loved my son the moment I saw him, and still can't get over the fact that I gave birth to him.

The Story:
Who doesn't love a good birth story? I have to say mine was pretty straight-forward. As you already know, my contractions started in the middle of the night on Saturday morning. I felt like I was in pretty good control for the first few hours at home. I called the doctor and she told me to keep monitoring the contractions and if they continued and got stronger, I should come into the hospital. By early morning, I was starting to feel strong contractions about every 5-6 minutes, so I woke up D. He was confused and asked me why I was waking him. I told him I was in labor. "Really?" he asked with a smile. "Yes," I told him. "Okay," he said, "I'm going back to sleep." Well, I soon disabused him of that notion and he got up and got ready to go to the hospital. I took my time, taking a shower, getting the cats feed, etc. Meanwhile the contractions were getting very strong and I could no longer really manage them myself. I had D running over to put pressure on my back, because with each contraction it felt like my spine was being pulled into my belly. It was about 7:30 by the time we got to the hospital and triage. I was having a rough time of it and while trying to change into the gown in the bathroom, my mucus plug came out in a big bloody mess. Then while on the triage bed, my water broke, although because my bloody show was so bloody, it looked rather red. While I went into labor hoping to manage the pain, I knew I wasn't going to make it, so when they asked if I wanted an epidural, I said yes!

I was five cm dilated, so I was admitted to the labor and delivery room and soon got the epidural. While I don't think I would have made it through labor without it, it didn't exactly work the way I thought either. It was lopsided, so while my right side was completely numb, my left side continued to function and feel some degree of pain. Even with adjustment, this continued, but I didn't really want to have needles poked in my back twice, so I lived with it. I felt a little disappointed about getting the epidural, because it meant I was stuck in bed, and also meant I ended up getting a catheter, IV, and two internal monitors: one for the baby, and one for the contractions. I was a mess of tubes. My labor after the epidural slowed considerably, so by noon, nothing had really changed, and the doctor started me on pitocin. My body, never one to turn down artificial hormones, reacted in fine fashion and labor picked up quickly. I'm sure it was a doctor's dream because she could be completely in control of the labor: add a little pitocin and it sped up; going to fast and all she needed to do was drop the dose. By 3:30 I was fully dilated and ready to push.

The heart monitor for MC showed that he was having decreased heart rate with the contractions now, as he moved lower. So the plan for me was to push hard and fast to get him out quickly. This I did. Three contractions and just over 15 minutes later, he was out! It was amazing. I cried when I saw him. Who knew a body could do so a miraculous thing? The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, so they quickly fixed that and MC was fine. The disadvantage of the fast pushing was that I tore all over and it took an hour and a half to stitch me up. I'm still feeling the ouch. At least I got to hold my baby to take my mind off the stitching.

The Unfortunate
So how does a sleep-deprived, breastfeeding mother, who is hosting her own mother at her house get to write such a long post? Well, I'm back in the dammed hospital tonight, awaiting a D&C for some leftover matter that apparently didn't get out at birth time. I started noticing some foul-smelling discharge a couple of days ago, and an ultrasound earlier today suggested there was material remaining in my uterus. This has got to be one of the hardest things I've done: leaving my tiny baby with my mother, and going to the hospital to have this procedure. I have never given him a bottle or formula and the poor guy has to start rather abruptly tonight. The maternal instinct has really kicked in because it just makes me cry to think that I'm not able to be there for him. Once I got here, they had to delay the start time because I ate almonds at 3:00 PM and they don't want to give me anesthesia for eight hours. I'm hoping I'll be home late tonight or tomorrow and all will be well.

Valentine's Day Baby

Yesterday at 3:52 PM, our new Master of Ceremonies, made his way into the World, at 7 pounds 4 ounces. We still have to take pictures, so I don't have one to post. At the moment all three of us are very tired. My labor went pretty well. I had hoped to avoid pain medication, but the back pain became excruciating, so by the time we arrived at the hospital at 7:30 AM, I had no hesitation asking for an epidural! Unfortunately it really only numbed my right side effectively, but it was enough to make the rest of labor much easier. The pushing part by necessity went very fast, because MC's heart rate was going down with each contraction. It turns out he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. So three contractions later (and a few tears for me) he was out!

I'm now feeling very tired and am going to attempt a nap. My mom will be arriving later this afternoon, but I'll try to get a picture up when we take one!